Anatomy of Panic Attack

Yes, it is true. I am having a panic attack as we speak. I am trying to write through this, so I apologize if I seem incoherent or I can't spell. I have really been panicking since about 7:oo last night. Tim left for another trip today--he is all the way on the other side of the country. Or rather, he will be. Right now he is sitting in the airport waiting for his plane to leave, which is in about 45 minutes. I can't handle this. I am nervous about him flying and about him being away from me, you know, just in case I need him. For what? I don't know, but it comforts me to know he is usually never more than a short drive away from me. This weekend he will be a 4 hour plane ride away. Most of all, I just don't want to feel like this all weekend. It's almost 8 am here, but I didn't really sleep much last night. And I can't sleep now. I am all alone. My two best friends are at work, my mom is at the beach, and my husband is at the airport.

I feel awful. My heart is racing, I can't stop crying. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't think this is ever going to end. He comes home Sunday afternoon, so I have the next 55 hours to feel this way. I can't make it stop. I can't make it go back down. I have been bouncing from a full blown 10 to a 6 to a 3 only to have it shoot right back up to 10 again. I am trying to change my attitude, I am trying not to think "what if...," I am trying to breathe deep. None of it seems to be working. So, I took to my blog to try to write my thoughts out. But I find that I have nothing to say or write about. So, let's take this step-by-step:

what if's going through my mind:

• what if his plane crashes?
• what if he has to work to0 hard and gets too tired?
• what if these anxious sensations never go away?
• what if i can't make it through the entire weekend?
• what if there is a thunderstorm (or worse, a tornado) while he is gone and I am all alone?
• what if i can fall back asleep?
• what if someone needs me but I am too anxious to help them?
• what if this is the day where I finally go crazy?
• what if i have to go to the emergency room when I don't have insurance so i can't afford to go?
• what if i never see him again and the last minutes I had with him were while I was panicking?

I am sure more will come to me later, but that is all I can think about right now. So, what do I do next? I guess I should write out why none of these things are actually going to happen:

• the chances of his plane crashing are so slim. apparently, it is safer to fly than to drive and he drives to work every day. perhaps, i should just consider this his morning commute. just because i get anxious at the idea of flying doesn't mean that he will. many, many people fly everyday, all day and nothing bad happens at all. and even if (god forbid) something was going to happen, it is completely out of my control and no amount of worrying on my part could prevent it or make it happen.
  
• he probably won't work himself too hard. it will only be 10:30 am when he gets to Colorado and he doesn't have to report to the shoot until tomorrow. it is true, that he has to get up super early tomorrow morning, but as long as he gets to bed early tonight then he should be fine in the morning. he has done this so many times and nothing bad has ever come of it. the human body is resilient and it built to take a little hard work. then he gets to come home on sunday and i can let him catch up on his rest all day.
• it is impossible to for these sensations to never go away. i have felt them so many times before and they always go away eventually.
  
• can't make it through the entire weekend? i don't really see another option. worse case scenario, i feel anxious all weekend, but regardless I will come out on the other side.
  
• yes, i am terrified of thunderstorms, but i have lived through so many. thunderstorms can't last forever anyway. there's a chance it won't even storm anyway. and when was the last time we had a tornado is MD?
  
• the chances of someone needing me, are very slim. just because i imagine all these worst case scenarios in my head, doesn't mean they are going to happen. to me or to anyone. and even if someone does need me, i could probably push my anxiety aside and do what i needed to do for someone that i love.
  
• if this is the day that i finally go crazy, then so be it. if i really were to go crazy, i wouldn't even know any better. isn't that the very definition of crazy?
• chances are that i won't have to go to the emergency room. i have had to do so before. and even if i did, we could always find someway to pay for it. money should be the least of my concerns right now.
  
• i will see him again. he always come home to me. and if i can hold it together when he calls me before he boards his plane, then i can use that as another opportunity to make sure that those moments aren't full of panic. or at least i can try my best.
  

That's all I got. I sort of feel a little better. I was still up and down while writing that list. At the moment I am at a 4 or so. But I am still anticipating that rising to a 10. Darn anticipation...it's truly the worst part. All I want is for him to be home already. Someone please help me to make the thoughts go away.....

General Musings on my Anxiety

People are literally crawling out of the woodwork to talk to me about their anxiety. Since I "came out" about 2 months ago and opened up about my anxiety issues to the world, I have had at least 4 people come to me seeking advice. ME??? What do I know? I guess these people missed the whole part where I said I have anxiety and I am just starting to figure it all out. Don't get me wrong, I love the sense of community that has come from my openness. I just don't understand why I am now the resident expert in my circle of friends. And just to be clear, I am not talking about you, my blogging friends. I love talking with you all!! And I love talking to the people I know in real life, as well. I just find it strange. And by strange I mean that I secretly love it :)

Of course, there will always be those people that don't understand and they will always be the majority, but those few people who do understand exactly what I am going through make it so much easier to just be myself. This, coupled with the fact that I am starting to feel so much better, I have begun thinking about what it is that I want to do with myself. Now that the anxiety is beginning to dissipate, I am actually looking forward (GASP) to getting a real job! I wish that there was some capacity that I was qualified to help others with anxiety--other than the fact that I lived through it and came out clean on the other side. Getting another degree just isn't in the cards for me, so I am trying hard to brainstorm ways in which I can be of service to anxiety disorder community in some way. So far, I got nothing....but at least I'm planning. PLANNING for the FUTURE!!

On another note, my husband has another business trip this weekend. He is going out to Colorado. The good news is that it is a short trip. 3 days, 2 nights. Certainly, I can live through that, but I know it isn't going to be easy. Normally when these trips are approaching I allow the anxiety to build up weeks in advance, so that when it finally surfaces, it ain't even close to pretty. I am trying really hard this week to not anticipate feeling anxious about his being gone. Instead I am enjoying these days together and allowing for the fact that there is a good chance I will have a panic attack after he leaves. But AFTER is ok. After is normal. And after will rise and fall. It always does. This is his first trip away since I started my treatment program and this will probably be my biggest test. I am keeping my confidence level high and reminding myself that the anxiety this trip creates will only make me stronger. I am welcoming this anxiety because it is an opportunity for me to grow.

So, I'll keep you posted on that. Also, I will update you on the state of my marriage in general as there was a lot of bitching about that in the beginnings of this blog....stay tuned.

Here's to living and loving my anxiety....

It's Kind of A Big Deal

And I am long overdue for an update, so I must warn you that this is going to be a long one....I recommend sitting back and relaxing or stop reading now....

Last Thursday: I had therapy in the morning in which I rode in the backseat of my own car while my therapist drove me around. I had no idea where we were going and I desperately pleaded with him to let me out of the car for all of 1 minute. Within that minute my anxiety level went from a 10 to a 2....not so bad :) Then we drove around for 20 minutes and I had no anxiety. THEN, he got on the highway...anxiety shot back up to a 10, but dissipated as quickly as it set in. All in all, it was a great exposure experience.

Then I spend the rest of the afternoon anticipating the drive to my friend's rehearsal dinner. The anxiety stayed at about a 7 for the entire afternoon. I desperately wanted to call in sick, but I couldn't let me best friend down like that. So, I sucked it up, cried, and got in the car. About a mile into the drive, the anxiety vanished and I made the hour drive not just anxiety-free, but excited! And. THEN....I took the highway the whole way back with a little encouragement from my other friend who was riding shotgun. Needless to say, I was quite proud of myself. Many a gold star were handed out last Thursday.

Friday: an all around uneventful day

Saturday: I was supposed to get a manicure and a pedicure Saturday morning. I HATE any activity that involves me sitting in one place for too long. My lack of patience is an anxiety playground. I didn't really think I could afford a manicure AND a pedicure, but my husband insisted that I use them as a reward for all of my hard work over the previous week. I compromised for both anxious and financial reason and just got a manicure. About halfway through my anxiety skyrocketed to about an 8 and I was soooo close to throwing a $20 down on the table and running out, never to look back. But I didn't. I sat there, let the anxiety subside and even managed to enjoy myself.

Later that night I spent the night at the bride's house. I knew when I agreed to do this that it was not a good idea. I can barely sleep in my own house, nevermind someone else's. I was able to fall asleep with ease, but about two hours later (3am) I awoke and had a full blown panic attach. I was hot, confused, and tired. My heart was racing and I couldn't fall back asleep. At about 4:30am I woke her up, explained the situation, and headed home to try and get some sleep. i was freaking out because I knew that if I didn't get some sleep then I would be much more prone to anxiety the following day, which was the WEDDING DAY!!! So, I got home and still couldn't get my anxiety to come down. Finally, I passed out at 6am but had to get up at 9am to start my day. Altogether I got a total of 5 hours of sleep....not good.

Sunday: I woke up and had a million errands to run before the wedding including getting my hair done. Again, I was not looking forward to this for the same reasons that I hate getting my nails done. But I did it and with no anxiety at all despite how exhausted I was.

I made it the wedding venue and the day passed so quickly. About an hour before the wedding the bride herself started getting super anxious. I was able to come to her rescue (which was a total ego boost for me) and explain how the anticipation is the worst past. I assured her that as soon as she took that first step down the aisle, all of the anxiety would dissipate. Sure enough, I was right :)

I, too, made it down the aisle anxiety free, gave an amazing speech. I had the room laughing one minute and in tears the next. I did quite a fantastic job if I don't say so myself.

The wedding was beautiful, fun, and fast. I had so much to celebrate: my very best friend getting married, the beautiful day we were blessed with, and being one step closer to conquering my monster.

Back to the present: There are many other little things that I exposed myself to this past week, as well. I won't spare you the details because they were simply baby steps. But I am really starting to get the hang of this and little by little, I can feel this dark cloud lifting from my life. It's been so long since I experienced hope and damn, it feels good. I'm addicted. I want more. And more exactly what I have signed myself up for.

Today in therapy, I drove around downtown Baltimore (not so scary as I thought). I sat in traffic. Only for a 1/4 of a mile and it was moving slowly, but still I did it. And I did it while my anxiety was at a about an 8. Wouldn't you know, I'm still alive to tell the story.

Next week, my therapist and I are visiting the emergency wing of the hospital. The plan is to confront my fear of grossness, sickness, and death. I'm kind of looking forward to it actually....

The following week my husband will be joining me so that he can get tips and lessons on how to best "deal" with me. How he can encourage me to push myself without pushing too hard. How he can be the kind of strength that I want, not the kind that I am dependant upon. We will be riding the light rail. Super scary, but I know that I can do it....

Here's to a week of successful exposures and many more to come. And here's to this very moment, the one that I am striving to stay present in.

I guess this is what you call progress...

I rode an elevator. Up, down, all around. With my therapist and by myself. Yet, I experienced no anxiety. This is good in the sense that I was able to do it and am actually looking forward to doing it again. This is bad in the sense that I didn't experience any anxiety so I was unable to practice feelings those sensations while with my therapist. I almost felt like I let him down. He told me to be sure that I give myself credit where credit is due. I did well and I should be proud of that.

I just want to bring on the anxiety!! This week I am going to take some medicine (because that makes me anxious) and then ride in the backseat of his car while he drives somewhere that I am unfamiliar with. Sounds awful to me, but I am looking forward to it.

It's a bust week for me and there are many anxiety provoking situations in my immediate future. My best friend is getting married next weekend, so I have to drive to the rehearsal dinner which means traffic on the beltway at 5:00 on a Thursday. I haven't sat in traffic for YEARS! I have been avoiding it longer than any other of my phobias. Should be interesting. I'll keep you posted on that.

Then, as the matron of honor, I have to walk down an aisle, stand in front of a bunch of strangers, and give a SPEECH at the reception. Luckily, the bride is a lovely, sweet lady so all of the attention will be on her regardless of how I am acting. But what if I panic? What if I totally freak out in front of everyone???? I would be mortified! I guess that is just the fear talking. What I should be thinking is that I look forward to the anxiety. I want this anxiety. I can do this....

I'll work on that attitude adjustment. Until then....

Here's to doing the unimaginable and doing it well!

The Stars are Aligning

Do you ever have those moments when it just feels like everything is falling into place? I rarely do, but for the first time (in a long time) I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am finally in a real treatment program for my anxiety. My doctors are as committed to me as I am to them. In the two short weeks since I sought treatment for my anxiety, I have decided to be open and honest with all my friends and family about what has been ailing me. Now people are coming out of the woodwork to seek me out for advice on how to cope with their anxiety. I've had not one, not two, but THREE friends confide in me about their anxiety issues. It's crazy, really, when you truly learn that you are not alone!!!

I also found this new television show on A&E called "Obsession." It's sort of like "Intervention," except they chronicle the lives of people suffering with anxiety disorders (OCD, panic disorder, hoarding, etc.) and then these people participate in an intense 12-week cognitive behavioral/exposure therapy program, which is EXACTLY like the program that I am participating in. So far, I have watched two episodes following a total of 4 people all of which are leading much happier, healthier lives are seeking treatment.

It's amazing what watching this has done for my confidence. Although watching them allow themselves to panic by facing their fears was enough to practically send me into full blown panic myself. It also excited me and gave me hope that if they can do it, I can do.

Two more days until my next treatment session and I think that this time we are really getting down to business. Secretly, I am looking forward to it....

Here's to the first glimmer of hope that I have felt in a very long time....

One Small Step

The anxiety I could live with. It's these phobias that creep up out of nowhere that seem to ruin my life. I am trying to change my perspective on that and realize that nothing is ruined by anxious moments. Like everything else, the anxiety will pass. So, two (of my many) irrational fears are riding as a passenger in someone else's car and riding in the backseat. Either one of these situations is enough to trigger those awful sensations...sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, the need to escape AT ANY COST....

Today I welcomed that anxiety into my life. I rode in the backseat of my husband's car while he drove us to Target. It may seem small to you, but to me it is just a sign of greater things to come. The best part of it all is that I didn't even feel a bit of anxiety. In fact, I giggled and laughed the ENTIRE ride. It felt so silly to be sitting in the backseat when a perfectly good passenger seat was unoccupied. It felt so silly that I let something so simple cause me such distress. It felt so silly that one little exercise helped me to see things in an entirely new light. Most importantly, it felt so good to laugh. To relax, have fun, and just enjoy the ride for once.

I caught sight of the girl I used to be. And so did my husband, if only for a minute.

Thanks so all my new blog friends for reaching out to me. Your kind words and encouragement mean soooooooo much to me!! I can't even begin to explain what a relief it is to feel a little less alone. I am going to write all of you back very soon, I promise. But for now, I am going to Home Depot and I think I might ride in the backseat again :) A girl could really get used to being chauffeured around...

Here's to small steps and new friends.....

Playing Catch up

So....I realize that it has been a while since I have updated. Not that anyone reads it, but it is good for me to have somewhere to write out my thoughts.

I have been seeing a therapist at the Anxiety and Stress Disorder Institute at Shepphard Pratt. For those of you who don't know, this is essentially a mental hospital. I am receiving outpatient services. For now. But that's another topic for another time.

For now I am seeing this therapist and I am doing "exposure therapy." This basically means that he is going to force me to have panic attacks and deal with those feelings head on. I have to do something everyday that causes me to get anxious. Talk about uncomfortable. I am absolutely terrified. What person, in their right mind, would willingly drive to see someone who is going to INDUCE panic. I spend so much time and so much energy avoiding those sensations and feelings and now I am supposed to not only allow them to happen, but I am supposed to look forward to it????

The whole idea is that by allowing the panic to happen, I am gaining power of this monster inside of me. I am not the monster. I am just a woman who happens to freak out upon experiencing sensations that everyone feels--my body just reacts differently. It does make me feel slightly less alone in all this to know that anxiety is a perfectly normal thing to feel.

It's been 2 weeks and I am not feeling better at all. In fact, here it is 5pm on a Friday and I am still in my pajamas and sitting on the couch. I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. Gross, I know. But no one is here to see it. I'll probably hop in the shower soon so then I can at least make it look like I made some effort today when my husband walks through the door.

Here's to hoping that these truly are the first steps to recovery. I'm not sure I can do worse.